Sometimes, when we connect with fellow trauma survivors, we find moments of clarity and solidarity in discussing trauma experiences and responses from the people around us.
Today, I am grateful to have had the conversation with Rue that led to us writing the following:
When you lay down to rest and you find yourself caught in the nightmare.
There's no way to escape.
There's no way to be free.
Medications don't help.
Therapy alleviates some symptoms, but not enough.
You tell me to let go, to move on, to leave it be, to forgive.
How can I, when I am reliving the trauma in my time to rest?
When I can't REST without reliving trauma?
When I wake up in a sweat, heart pounding, gasping for breath?
When I can't remember things I should remember, just a feeling about them?
When certain words cause me to relive trauma.
When certain actions cause me to relive trauma.
When certain smells and foods cause me to relive trauma.
When I live with the feelings of shame that come along with being unable to perform simple tasks because of triggers.
"Kinna solla lanna fa sich shema"
(Children shall learn to be ashamed)
"Shemst dich mol"
"Sel is net chite"
(This is not proper)
Echoes in my head sometimes when I am reliving trauma as well. It adds to the layers of trauma I've had to peel back to find me and who I am underneath all the layers of trauma.
When I've had a therapist to help me manage my life for most of my years, because PTSD is real. Chronic and complex PTSD is an ongoing issue that affects me because of what was done to me, not because of a lack of faith or prayer.
When there are times, I want to just stop battling the effects of trauma on my entire life, because I'm so weary.
There is no rest that will alleviate the weariness that reaches to the core, the bone, the soul of who I am.
Be grateful you didn't live my life, filled with trauma.
And no, I will not be silent. I will not be quiet so you can pretend trauma like mine doesn't happen. The fact that you are so uncomfortable, you feel the need to make statements that inevitably silences folks and indicates what you are willing to live with.
That's on you, and as much as you may be tired of hearing about trauma, how tired do you think I am of life after trauma?
Silence is violence in this case.
Forgiving doesn't mean forgetting.