• Mary Byler

The Little Girl

Dear Readers,

I've re-read this several times in the last 16 years, when I read this I am transported to a space of grief and sorrow for future generations of Amish children. My heart breaks and I often find my resolve in this article.

I hope that none of you are in this space and if you are, I hope you feel a little less alone. I hope that each of you knows you deserve health, happiness and joy in life. I hope you create beautiful and meaningful connections as you journey through life. -Mary


CONTENT WARNING




Little Girl

22 January 2006

By Mary Byler


I can’t breathe, let me go, let me go…

I screamed…

I can’t see, let me go, let me go…

…but nobody heard, nobody cared,

They went right on holding my dress…

…above my head…And holding it shut…

…With my arms inside the dress with me…

…So, I can’t see…I can’t fight…I can’t breathe…

…I’m suffocating…and nobody cared…nobody…mommas’ boys, (she can’t hear although I’m screaming as loud as I can) daddy’s dead… (Thank God what daddy did was worse) ...

…let me go, I scream as I’m gasping for air…

…please let me go, I'll never get in your way…

“God, if you make them let me go, I’ll be so good, I’ll never do anything bad again…I’ll never get mad, Please God make them let me go…God didn’t care either.”

…Nobody cares about me, I’m all alone in the world and they touch…me where they shouldn’t…they do bad things to me all the time and

…no one cares…

…No one understands…

…No one loves me…

…No one wants me…

…all alone. Crying myself to sleep…every night…

…wishing God would let me die…

…cause nobody cares…


I’m so ashamed of my body…

Surely no one else ever has this happen…

Mommy says, “You can never ever tell anyone.”


Mommy also said

“You don’t pray hard enough”

And

“You don’t fight hard enough.”


Mommy said that

“If you truly never want anything like this to happen it won’t.”

And that

“God must be punishing you.”


I don’t understand why does God let this happen to me…when I try so hard to be good..

I’m all alone…a scared little girl…

Trying to be brave and live through this…

–huddling and shivering under the covers as I cry myself to sleep…

…one more day, that I’m all alone and no one cares what happens…

So, there I am all alone and terrified of the world…

A tiny little girl…



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